Monday, September 19, 2011

A moment of realization.

The past couple weeks, really months, have truly given me alot of time to think about many things in my life and the direction that our paths have led us. When I say "us" I mean myself, ofcorse, and my family. Its so funny how when you vision your future, what it will look like and who will be in it you don't always foresee what will actually take place and who will truly be the ones to impact and influence your life. Almost exactly 2 years ago our family, my husband (then fiance) and our daughter moved to a new town. The move was inspired by the fact that I was no longer employed to be able to stay home and take care of our daughter and he was driving 45 minutes to work and back every day. And with the hours he was pulling with many 16-18 hour days at work as well as the price of gas sky rocketing, moving was what made perfect sense. I had so many mixed emotions about how this would effect our lives. Where were we actually going to be living? Who would be our neighbors? Would I like it there? I was ready for a change that is for sure! I think we all sometimes get in a rut in our lives and sometimes we feel a fresh start in a new place is just the thing to get us out of it. I was not so certain about how I was going to feel about being 45 min. away from family and friends, but I did know that I wanted more time with my husband and to maybe start saving back a little bit of money for our future instead of waisting it on gallons and gallons of high priced fuel. At the time we were living in a tiny two bedroom duplex in the middle of town in a cramped neighborhood filled with nothing but teens and college students. It wasn't the ideal neighborhood for a young family starting out. It wasn't a "bad" neighborhood, you just didn't see too many families and certainly not very many, if any, kids for my daughter to someday "befriend". We were able to find a home about 15 mins out from my husbands work located in a very small (were talking the kind with one stop sign and a gas station) town. It was a two bedroom home, which was about twice the size of the duplex that sat on 5 acres of land. At the time all I could think about was "YAY! My daughter can run and play and run and play and run some more!!" I was so excited that we could have some privacy and we could have all the room to play outside in actual grass! We had only about 10 feet of grass at the duplex. So, we turned in our notice at the duplex, packed up a UHaul, packed up about 4 cars and a trailer and moved out of town! Little did I know how much my life would shift and how different things would be for me....

For about the first year or so I was pretty...I guess bored would be the best way to describe it. I enjoyed being with my daughter every day, don't get me wrong! I was and am still VERY blessed that I am able to spend so much time with her and be there for her every day. Its a blessing that I would not change for the world and I'm fully aware of how lucky in a way that I am and don't take it for granted one single bit. But, we were so used to seeing friends and family on a regular basis, having many play dates with other friends of mine and their kids that when we moved to the "new" home and weren't able to just run down the street to visit "so and so" that it became very boring in a sense. Gracie and I started to become very cranky all the time. We started falling into another rut and just began to see no end in site. I didn't know any one in our area and honestly I started feeling a little depressed. I had nothing that was mine in a sense. No outlet for my day to day stress. Nothing for me to do, no "me" time. Not to mention, it wasn't long after we moved in that we found out we had a HORRIBLE land lord who pretty much neglects to fix anything in the home until it is completely falling apart, literally, and takes months before he gets around to doing anything about them when he actually does fix them. He never returns phone calls, doesn't fix the issues correctly, and has even gone months without cashing the rent checks we have mailed him. We live in a nice home, but in the manor to which he takes care of the home, it will not last before the home will need major repairs. With our plans to buy a home back in our hometown I have found myself praying and wishing we would be back there sooner than later. I have found myself saying "I hate this place" and "I just wish we could get out of here!" Little did I know that my heart would have planted itself and grown roots in places I could have never seen coming!

Soon, I looked into going back to school and found that because I was a "single mom" at the time I was able to go to school and have it paid for! YAY! This gave me something to do, something that would help better myself and continue plans I had made many years ago before I became a mommy. I started to feel like I was investing in myself again :).

I think the biggest challenge that I had to face since moving here was to put myself out there. I had been in the same town, had remotely the same friends, hung around the same people since high school so "making friends" just wasn't something I ever thought about or even really had to try to do. I wasn't a majorly popular person, but we just knew so many people that there was always someone to hang around, always something going on. Granted, when we had our daughter the friends sorta limited to those that also had children and limited our outings to events that allowed me or my husband to bring a child. But once we moved here, I seemed to be to new kid in town and so I had to some how find a way to meet new people. Well, that soon became one of the best things ever! I was so lucky that my husband had already made so many great friends at work. He had established friendships with a great group of men from his work that were also apart of the CERT team and considered them family long before I had truly gotten to know them. Soon we started getting invited to friend gatherings, birthday parties, night on the towns, etc... I started to pay attention to these already friends of Cat's and noticed that these great group of guys also had wonderful wives and great kids and they were all interested in the same types of things that I was into. Some had kids around the same age as Gracie, while some had some a little older, but still young enough to be able to play with our daughter. It wasn't long before the number of events/get together that we were going to with this group of people became more frequent and I really started getting to know these women. We started to become friends on facebook and really becoming great friends in person. We started having play dates together and it just grew from there.

Now let me just say for the record. I still completely ADORE my friends from back home. I still miss them VERY much and I cherish the time that I do get to see them. I wish it were more often and I hate that I am missing out on so much of their lives. Laci, a good friend and also my hair dresser, is one that I love catching up with and gossiping about fun and exciting things going on around us and she just makes me laugh and I love being around her. Amy, a great great GREAT friend of mine! We worked together and soon realised we actually graduated together lol and now she has two beautiful children (one of which I have yet to even meet :( ....) is someone that I love getting together with when ever I can. She is such a fun girl and I always have a crazy and exciting time when I hang out with her. She makes me feel young again and just knows how to have a fun time! Many others from my home town that I could go on and on about that I miss every day! I don't want it to go unsaid how much I miss and love you :)

But when you move away and are in a new place with no one around to talk to and no one to hang out with, you gotta do something right?! lol. You cant just sit around and mope about how boring life has become. You cant sit and think that now because you are a mommy that your life is over and you cant have some fun too! No, you have to work with what ya got! You have to see the new changes in your life as a challenge and face them and know that you can be everything you were before mommy days, just find a way to do it AND enjoy your little ones at the same time :) You have to put yourself out there and meet new people. I have to say that I couldn't be more blessed with some of the new friends I have made over the last two years since we moved here. Its so funny how it all turned out but in so many ways I'm so grateful and thankful for them everyday! Both the old and new friends ;)

After putting myself out there, overcoming the fear of meeting new people I am one happy momma :) Today, I am a member of the YMCA that I enjoy going to with my dear friend Nicki! I love going to Zumba classes and working out with her. We also enjoy taking our kiddoes every now and then to go swimming at their awesome indoor pool! I also enjoy going on play dates with her to Micky D's when we get the chance. She is my one friend that is also a stay at home mom/student so we are able to make play date trips out during the week. And one of my most favorite things to do is Coupon Nights! Its a night were myself and the girls, some of which are wives of other officers that my husband works with and great friends of mine, and a few are just some great friends. We all get together about once every 2-3 weeks and clip coupons, trade deals, gossip, eat food, gossip, eat some more food... ;). Its a GREAT time and I get excited for it every time its coming up. I love getting together with those girls and just catching up on whats going on in their lives. They are all great women who are strong and inspiring and I honestly learn so much from them when I am around them. They are women that I look up to and truly feel blessed that I can call them my friends!

I guess the whole point of this is that, even though I still cannot wait for the day that we can buy a home, one that is sentimental to us as a family, and one that will put us near family and our old friends again. I could have never imagined that I may have started to actually make friendships and relationships with people here that will just tear me up inside to leave behind. These women all bring many different things to my life that have all impacted me in great ways and even in just two years have changed me as a person, as a mom, and as a friend. They have given me more then they will ever know. They have been there for me, laughed with me, some even danced with me lol. They have taught me things about myself that I never knew and for that I am grateful. And even though those plans of purchasing a home and leaving this town are so far no where in sight as of yet, I still think about it frequently, about the day I actually move away. And as silly as it sounds, its only 45 minutes away. Its not like I'm leaving and going so far away I will never see them again. And our husbands will still work together and they will still be in our lives. But I wont be close enough for play dates :(, and workout dates, and coupon nights.... It will truly leave an empty spot inside my heart. They will never know how much it will hurt. So I will enjoy the time I have with them now even more and more then I did before. I will listen closer, and laugh harder. I will be more of a friend then I was before and hopefully I can leave them with the same lasting impression that they have left upon me. So to those of you, and you know who you are, I love you and am blessed to know you!

XOXOXO and many blessings,
                                Lauren Holmes